So here’s a deep concept which changed my life!
My relationship with myself is real, and not only has the same dynamics as any other relationship I have, but is the foundation of all my other relationships!
I had heard the phrase ‘relationship with yourself’ for years, but like any typical male, had no idea what it meant!
It wasn’t until I became obsessed with the subconscious mind, brain science and quantum physics, that i truly understood the simple but elusive truth, that I truly do live in relationship with myself!
So for those who, (like I was for all my life), don’t truly grasp what having a relationship with yourself looks like, I’ll break it down!
Skip this next part, if you understand the subconscious and how it operates!
We have two independent operating systems within us, our conscious mind, and our subconscious mind.
Our subconscious has the operating system, and does all the background processing and automatic processes which go on in our body!
Up until the age of 6, we are a sponge, and our subconscious takes in every detail and every dynamic we experience, and makes trillions of connections, forming our world view and belief systems.
It then uses these belief systems to guide us through life!
Whatever we believe to be true, our subconscious will keep that truth a reality for us!
If we believe we are bad at maths, it will make sure we find maths hard.
If we believe emotions are bad and should be avoided, it will keep us from experiencing strong emotions in any way it can.
If we believe there is something fundamentally wrong with us, it will setup situations which confirm this.
If we believe that everyone else’s opinions matter more than ours, then it will make sure we constantly doubt our own opinion or judgement.
If we believe we have no worth, then every situation will reflect this, and any times when our self worth will shine, it will self sabotage us.
If we believe we can never be like others and be successful, then it will sabotage any efforts we make to get ahead.
You get the idea!
This all is mostly set up in us before the age of 7!
This is how we have a relationship with ourself!
We have no direct control over the subconscious, and it controls around 88% of every thought and emotion and process which goes on inside us.
Only 12% of our interactions, thoughts and emotions are on a conscious level.
These two parts of us do not always see eye to eye!
This is why we so often do the things we don’t want to do!
We act out an addiction while our mind is going ‘stop’!
We act in anger and say things we later regret!
We have a dance going on within us, between the conscious and the subconscious.
The best way to understand this dance is to think of it as a relationship!
All relationship dynamics apply!
Our relationship with anyone else will never be better than the relationship we have with ourself!
So let’s take some positive relationship dynamics.
Emotional validation – understanding where the other person is coming from and showing that you do not judge them in any way for feeling or thinking that way.
Mutual respect – ability to accept someone else where they are right now and still have a great relationship with them, disputes seimf things differently.
Affection – self explanatory
Strong personal boundaries – not conforming to others opinions and bending to their emotions, while still able to show mutual respect.
All these dynamics need to happen within us!
When we experience that negative voice telling us we are an idiot, useless, small or insignificant, how do we react to that?
Do we beat up on ourselves and agree with the voice? ( lack of strong personal boundaries, allowing other opinions to affect us)
Do we tell that voice to *go away* and that it is telling us BS? ( lack of validation )
We might have learned that positive self talk is the go, so we say, “no, I am strong and awesome!”
In a good relationship, the best way to deal with differences is to validate the other person before you do any fixing or discuss differences of opinions
So the best dynamic we can have with ourselves is to be present with our thoughts and emotions, not judge them, not label them as good or bad, just accept whatever is happening in the moment.
Then understand why we think and feel he way we do, there is always a reason!
Once we validate ourself, we can choose how we act or react in a situation, and we can then use positive self talk, but not as a direct contradiction of whatever came up for us.
No one ever changed their mind when told outright they were wrong
When we feel heard and understood, we are more open to taking on other points of view!
Our subconscious is no different!
Sure, do the positive self talk, affirmations and visualizations! I recommend them to the men I work with.
But learn to accept the thoughts and emotions for what they are, be honest and real with them, experience them, and then let them go.
Put the positive in after!
Then there’s the whole dynamic of how we feel about ourselves.
Do we hate ourself?
Do we hate parts of ourself?
Are we frustrated with ourself?
Are we constantly trying to change ourself?
This is a big one!
There is personal growth which comes from a desire to be he best version of ourself we can be, and there is self growth that comes from trying desperately not to be who we are right now!
There is a huge difference!
Growth which comes when we accept who we are right now, without judgment, shame or guilt, and it is awesome!
There is also attempted growth which comes from judgement, shame and guilt, and there is struggle, cycles, relapses, effort, tired and frustrated!
I now realise that this subject is too big for a single post, so if you have any questions, feel free to contact me.
You have greatness within you!